Thursday, March 10, 2011

A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

A letter to my younger self

I have been thinking about this a lot – what would I do different if I could go back and do it all over again, or what do I have now that I wish I had back then…so I thought I would take a moment to write to my younger self

Dear Younger self,

This is the older version of your wanting, if in some way to go back in time and have a do-over on some experiences – mainly high school and some of my twenties.  But since that is not likely to happen, here is what I wish I could tell you from the future…

  1. Ignore the bitches in high school.  I know that you think that they matter but they really don’t.  Mean girls are not, in any way better than you.   
  2. Exercise – it really is important and a good habit to cultivate. 
  3. Use sunscreen every damn day.
  4. Never, ever let any boy make you feel that you have to do something you want to do.  You get to decide what you want to do with your body and when and with who.  Any boy who does not accept your answer and continues to pressure you is an ass and is not deserving of your time or affection.  It does not matter how cute he is or how popular.  Also no matter what he says he will not die if he does not get into your pants. 
  5. Remember that you are smart and never let anyone let you feel that you are not. 
  6. Math, the complicated kind with lots of letters and symbols – will never be your strong suit and that is OK.  There are lots of ways to be smart and doing complicated equations in your head is just one of them.  However, it is kind of important so ask for help or get a tutor.
  7. Your sense of humour will get you through just about anything. 
  8. Find something that you love to do and go for it.  Don’t let fear hold you back from trying new things. 
  9. Always try to make the best decision for you at the time.  Should this decision contravene what someone else wants to do with you or have you do for them, have the strength to do you what is important to you. 
  10. Learn a 2nd language. 
  11. Be yourself at all times.
  12. Know that you are always enough.  You don’t have to do more or be more or try harder to make anyone happy. 
  13. When you have sex for the first time – it is not like a Harlequin Romance.  This is not to say that it is not fun or great – but the books can be a bit misleading. 
  14. Travel.  And not to the all inclusive kind of place, although those are fun but to far off places that you read about in books.  See as much of this world as you possibly can so that you know that you live in a truly great country.  There is no feeling like that of getting on a plane and looking forward to an amazing vacation and there is also no feeling like that of coming home. 
  15. Loving someone else is the best gift you can give yourself and also the greatest risk you can ever take.  You grow when you love someone else and even though you will get hurt, you learn something with every relationship.  Take the risk – it is worth it.
  16. Most importantly – love who you are and have fun. 
You will go onto have great friends and experiences and have a great life.  You will be loved and be heartbroken but you will survive and thrive.  You will find in yourself abilities that you would never have imagined that you would have and do things that will amaze yourself.  You get one shot at this life and the best advice I can give you is to enjoy every damn moment.  You should always remember that remember that “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out. 

With love,

Your future, older self

Monday, January 10, 2011

WHAT 2010 TAUGHT ME...

Being that 2010 has been the year of the most change ever in my life it has also been the year that has taught me the most about myself.  So what did I learn last year – here goes…

  1. Change does not kill you.  It may make you feel damn uncomfortable and/or make you wish for death but in the end, you don’t die from it. 
  2. That I hate the saying “that which does not kill you makes you stronger”.  I was pretty damn strong before and people saying that to me all the damn time made me want to kill THEM.  
  3. Also, I hate the phrase that ‘time heals all wounds’.  For the record – never say that to a recently separated woman.  Time gives you the needed distance from your warring emotional state to get perspective and objectivity.  Eventually you start to heal but when I was 2 weeks post conversation with Wilson, all I wanted to do was punch people when they said that to me. 
  4. Divorce is effing ugly.  No way around it on that one.  However, staying in a marriage where your husband no longer loves you is even uglier.  And as ugly as my divorce was, I am grateful that it was just me and Wilson and that we did not have kids that had to go thru this with us.  
  5. I have learned that there is no end to the kindness of friends and family.  When the chips are down and you feel like you are just going to sit down in the middle of the road and go no further because your legs won’t carry you, they come along and carry you for a while until you can walk on your own again.  Because of these amazing people in my life, I was able to find my way back to being a ‘me’ from a ‘we’ and do so with a fair amount of grace.  I know that without them, I would not have been able to do this without the help of some little blue pills.  And for that, I am forever grateful.
  6. Pretty shoes ALWAYS make me feel better.  
  7. Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to you.  It may feel like it at the time but all it does is make you split the stuff in your house and pay a lawyer.  The only thing that died was your marriage - and for that I am grateful.  My parents, family and friends are all still alive and healthy and so am I. 
  8. Love is truly blind and divorce reveals all.  It is amazing to see what becomes of the person that you loved (and I am sure that Wilson would say the same about me) thru this process.  
  9. I learned that even though you divorce someone, you never wish them ill.  I loved Wilson truly, madly and deeply.  That love really doesn’t go away - it just kind of mutates into something indefinable.   Oddly enough I never hated him - my girlfriends do enough for 10 people and that is kind of funny for me.  I no longer love him as I did but I don’t want bad things to happen to him.  Truthfully – that one kind of surprised me a bit.  Doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is an ass, but I don’t want him to be a hurt, maimed or dead ass.  
  10. I have learned that nothing lasts forever.  
  11. I have learned that marriage is a living, breathing entity that needs daily care.  While there are days, weeks, months where it seemingly is going so well that it takes care of itself – that is when it needs the most care.  Because if you take are of your marriage when the times are the best, it will pay off in spades when you hit a rough patch.  
  12. Change is inevitable.  
  13. Change for the most part is good – cleans out the old, the dark corners, the musty smell.  No one really likes to go into those dark corners – you have to face the demons that live there, the truth that in fact, you helped to create mess, the dark corners, the musty smell.  Hopefully you learn enough thru the change to recognize when you are doing it again and stop it or if you are really smart, to never do it again.  
  14. The only way your marriage can survive is if you both change in your marriage – at roughly the same pace – and acknowledge each other’s changes.  Nobody stays the same person forever and if we don’t stay the same, how can we expect our marriages to remain static.   
  15. I don’t need to be rescued or saved or protected.  I do need to love and be loved, cherish and be cherished and care and be cared for – and knowing this makes me even surer that I will meet someone who feels the same way.  I am not sure why – I just know that I will.  That is what sustains me through this dating journey I am on.   
  16. I used to be afraid of trying – now my motto is ‘feel the fear, do it anyway’.  Fear used to stop me from trying, doing, changing.  Now, I am going to try and I may fail spectacularly or I am succeed just as spectacularly.  Who knows but I will never know unless I try.  So this year I am going to jump out of a plane, get SCUBA certified and who knows what else.   Look out world - here I come!
  17. That I am a strong, confident woman.  I always knew that but now, after learning the above, I am unstoppable.  And that, is the best thing I have learned EVER!
So what did you learn in 2010? 

Thursday, January 06, 2011

STILL HERE

Work = Crazy times but wanted to wish you a wonderful 2011 Internet!  Here is to a better year for all of us - Lord knows we all deserve it!

Back at you once this craziness calms down!

Monday, December 13, 2010

ODDS AND ENDS...

So far, so good on the Christmas spirit this year.  Am feeling very positive and up beat - perhaps this has something to do with having my shopping done and wrapped this year - in record time! 
Toronto got hit by its first (!) round of crappy weather this weekend.  Raining during the day and then snow and it all froze.  So consequently, I skiied down the driveway this morning, in my high heels no less all while screaming and making the neighbours laugh.  I managed to stay on my feet but just barely.  God I hate winter and yet I continue to live where we suffer through this season for the better part of 5 damn months.  I should not complain considering what is happening in the midwest - are you enjoying being snowed in Muffy?
Work is busy but good and I am off to Denver for New Years again this year to visit wonderful friends.  The NBB is hanging in and keeping me company and all that I love are healthy and happy.  All in all, a much better end to my year than beginning and I feel that 2011 is going to be my year! 
And no, I have not yet had a cocktail today so my holiday glow is not wine induced...yet!

Monday, December 06, 2010

ARTHUR AND ME

I am not sure how to write this without sobbing my guts out but my life of being a dog mommy and having the sweetest brown dog love me back has come to a close.  Wilson decided that sharing custody of our boy was more than he could handle going forward and I had to make a choice - either I take him or he takes him but no more sharing.  As my living situation is still up in the air - I am trying to find a place to live that works for my job and budget - I cannot take him now and taking him away from his daddy, the only home he has ever known, his friends, dog walker and all that he holds dear at some point in the future is so not something I can live with. 

Wilson is Arthur's favourite human and to be a dog loved by him will give Arthur a very good life - filled with long walks, treats, sleeps in the big bed and more love than one dog could ever dream of.   As a dog mommy, all I want for him is to have a long life, filled with love and fun and my Arthur will have that in spades with his daddy. 

I am not sure how to deal with this hole in my heart that feels like the size of the Grand Canyon.  For the first time in years, there will be no dog treats under the Christmas tree, no crazy dog antics or long walks on Christmas morning.  I will miss the morning snuggles, puppy kisses and having a dog head in my lap at the end of a long day.  Arthur came along after losing my beloved Maggie and filled my life with laughter and so much love. 

So good bye my brown boy - know that you mama will always love you and have a place in her heart for you.  My Arthur is irreplaceable and my love for him is the forever kind. 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

To all my American friends both virtual and real.  May you enjoy your friends, family and turkey and have nothing but good things to be thankful for! 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

GIVING THANKS!

I know that the Thanksgiving that is about to be celebrated in the 50 states that make up the USA is not my Thanksgiving being a Canadian girl and all - but I am sitting here, writing and giving some BIG thanks right now. 

Wilson has agreed to the settlement amount and within 2-3 weeks, I will be a legally separated woman.  I know that sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but after this crazy, chaotic year - to have this huge. looming issue come to a close so that I can face 2011 on my own terms is massive for me. 

So today internet, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is just some of what I am thankful for:

- this crazy, chaotic year - without it I would never have found out how strong I really am
- my new job - for being a good change for me
- friends - both virtual and real - I am a better person because of you and them
- family - they are truly a safe place for me to land and accept me for who I am
- love - while it may not be the love of one person right now, I am so lucky to have so much love in my life. 
- hope - for 2011 to be better, for love, for whatever comes my way
- this blog - my safe, anonymous place where I can get rid of the thoughts that rattle around my brain
- Diet Coke - mmmmm mmmmm good!
- pretty shoes - nuff said
- Arthur - while he is now Wilson's exclusively and I can no longer see or touch him - he is still my brown boy and I will love him forever.  There will be another dog soon but none will ever be like Arthur!

I am a lucky, loved girl who is thankful for all that has come my way this year - the good, the bad and yes even the ugly. Without it all, I would never know how far I have come or what I am capable of.  So here I sit - a happy girl giving thanks for it all!

NON BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND

So the Practice Date and I have continued to hang out and have some fun.  We have had lots of good conversation mixed with some really great kisses.  I think we are just very casual and taking it date by date.  He on the other hand is a discusser of things - most particularly us and our situation.  Shortly after our 5th or 6th date - he gives me the face and then says "so what is this thing we have going on here?"  Cue stroke/heart attack and a bad case of the cold sweats. 

On about our 3rd date, I made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship, boyfriend or anything serious.  I am barely 7 months out of a long term relationship/marriage and just trying to figure out how to date and not be someone's someone right away.  I am a girl who just wants to have some fun and if that fun also includes time with a cute boy - I am VERY ok with that.  However, please do not use the word boyfriend, relationship or anything else that smacks of something that will end in some kind of ugly manner.  And please oh please do not use the dreaded g word (ACK - girlfriend) to describe me to your friends.  Been there, done that and am paying the legal bills for it. 

However, Practice Date boy likes to talk about things.  He is one of those upfront, out in the open boys that I always thought were an urban myth.  He just wants to understand what I want from him - because for a no strings attached, no commitment, nothing really to deep affair, we are spending a fair amount of time together and he is confused.  Damn him and his ability to communicate.  Why can't he just leave this shiz under the rug as we WASPy folks tend to do.  Why can't he let me be all contradictory (don't want any strings but like your company and make plans with you)- I do it in a very cute and charming way.  Instead we end up discussing it and my freaked feelings regarding relationships at this moment in my life.  Praise Jebus that he cute and funny otherwise I would have run for the hills faster than an out of shape girl really should.  So we talk and talk - and pretty much end up in the same place but it is all out in the open and one of us feels better for the conversation (hint - this person is not me!).  He seems to be OK with where I am and likes spending time with me - and is willing so far to leave the labels out of the equation.  Again, the cute and fun seriously weighs in his favour here. 

It has taken me time and a lot of effort but I have managed to glue the shattered pieces of my heart back together - but the glue is still wet and my heart - well she is still very fragile.  Risking this carefully glued-back-together heart on a 'serious' romance scares me more than I can say.  However, I have learned this year to never say never and stay open to the possibility of anything so here I stand, at the edge of the cliff but just don't have the faith yet that my chute will open and it will all be OK. 

So here I am - scared shitless of this cute, funny boy, with his 2 kids, mixed up crazy life and his talkative ways who wants to be my non boyfriend boyfriend.  And just between you and me internet - I am having a really great time.